| It's all coming back to me now. I'm a child and it's the last week of school! The whole summer ahead of me. As spring creeps slowly in, struggling to establish its authority over the passing Montana winter, I feel refreshed. For the strangest of reasons, it is April! It is thee strangest of months, mysterious but joyful, full of memories. Spring is here. I feel like the land of Narnia seeing my first spring after the long winter. It is only now that i can begin to see this passing season's effects on me. My time in montana is dwindling, I will be here for only one more week. I admit that I have been telling myself that i have been miserable here. Not true. I have been with my best friend. I have met good people here, great people even. I have worked with good people. I have lived with good people. Despite how i have constantly griped in private about my time here, now that this season of my life is passing, I can finally begin to understand that I will miss it here. (Although I can honestly say that I have never felt more satisfaction in saying, "take this job and shove it.") Montana has been good to me (mostly). But it will never be home. In the words of Five Iron Frenzy, "colorado's right for me." It seems that a bit of a haze has enshrouded me living here. I can't begin to understand or explain it and perhaps I won't bother trying. Since visiting home for the tragic reason of attending my grandfather's funeral, I have known in my heart that I would be returning home soon. And this last week, that reality has been overwhelming me. The good and the bad of it, but mostly the good. My spirit seems revived. Why this has happened now and not any time before now is a mystery to me. But I have had my share of mysteries lately. But it is all coming back to me: Providence! Something that has been there all along, but completely hidden from me. The memory of my decision to bind myself as a servant of God. The piercing of my ear. Had I truly forgotten His face? His voice? The price He paid? The garbage/treasure He salvaged? The markings He left upon me? Have I truly been so absorbed in my questions and cynicism that I forgot that none of it matters? That yes, we are fallen, I no more than the brother I have such anger for? And that mercy... mercy! MERCY! is my price, my salvation, and my charge? None of it matters, the questions, the doubt, the wand'ring. All that matters is feeling His presence again. If I don't feel it again for the rest of this new season, I can look back and remember. And one day, it will all come back to me again. In other news, i finally broke down and got a myspace account. I feel dirty having done so though. |
